Clinic Room Tango
by Xandiwasmahomei
Summary: After watching Chicago, I thought I'd add what any fandom needs: a Cell Block Tango Parody! Rated T for saftey things. I do not own House, Chicago, or a webcam.


A/N: Boo-yah! Xandiwasmahomei is back with an all-new crack/song fic! A little plot bunny bit me on the arse while watching Chicago a week ago. This will make complete and utter sense if you've seen the episodes Love Hurts through to Sex Kills. Dedicated to Dru, because her fics on live journal made me buy a new keyboard from smashing it with laughter. If you're reading this Dru, I love ya! Even though we've never really talked, I still do!

**Clinic Room Tango**

"So, you guys got everything?" Cuddy asks in her business voice.

"Yeah, pretty much: Costumes, backing track, webcam." Stacy said, smiling at her friend. This may have been stupid, but it was a dare done at a dare night.

"I don't see what the fuss is all about; I wear this stuff all the time." Annette mumbled, busily fiddling with a chain on her skirt.

"Why didn't we just go with Truth?" Anica wailed from the couch. Playing a Hungarian prisoner was not her idea of fun.

"Uh, guys? Some help here? Chase isn't coming out of the toilets." Cameron called out.

"We'll handle it." Stacy and Cuddy chorused. Walking and clinking over to the ladies rest rooms, they banged on the door.

"Chase, you need to come out of the cubicle." Cuddy said firmly.

"Not wearing fishnets, I'm not!" a stubborn accent replied back.

"Chase, we all look like transvestites. You just…are one." Stacy calmly offered.

"NO! The next thing I know I'll get roped into is partaking in an orgy. Or flirting with the nurses, or making an album, or…"

"Chase, face it: We ALL look like we're drunk. Just come out and face the music."

"You have MUSIC for this crazy parody!"

"Damn straight we do. If you're gonna do a dare, do it right." Cuddy said. "Now come on out."

Chase reluctantly walked out of the cubicle. Well, more clomped, because he was wearing incredibly high wedges. Damn it, he was almost as tall as House in those things!

"Right, this better not get watched by anybody other than Wilson. It's his webcam, right?" Chase asked, hoping this freaking thong wasn't on display under the mod-sixties dress.

They got into position, when the sound of a dripping tap could be heard…

(CUDDY)  
Pop!  
(STACY)  
Six!  
(ANNETTE)  
Whip!  
(ANICA)  
Uh uh!  
(CAMERON)  
Spiletto!  
(CHASE)

Greg'ry!

(CUDDY)  
Pop!  
(STACY)  
Six!  
(ANNETTE)  
Whip!  
(ANICA)  
Uh uh!  
(CAMERON)  
Spiletto!  
(CHASE)

Greg'ry!

(ANNOUNCER THAT SOUNDS LIKE FOREMAN…)  
And now, the six merry murderesses of Princeton Plainsboro in their rendition of "The Clinic Room Tango!"

(CUDDY)  
Pop!  
(STACY)  
Six!  
(ANNETTE)  
Whip!  
(ANICA)  
Uh uh!  
(CAMERON)  
Spiletto!  
(CHASE)

Greg'ry!

(4X)

(ALL)  
He had it coming  
He had it coming  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it

(CAMERON)  
I betcha you would have done the same!

(CUDDY)  
Pop!  
(STACY)  
Six!  
(ANNETTE)  
Whip!  
(ANICA)  
Uh uh!  
(CAMERON)  
Spiletto!  
(CHASE)

Greg'ry!

(2X) 

(CUDDY (Spoken))  
You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like, HOUSE. House used Vicodin. No, not used. POPPED. So I go to him this one day, and I am really irritated and looking for a little sympathy and there's House, layin' on the OB/GYN couch, drinkin' a beer and usin'. No, not usin'. Poppin'! So, I said to him,  
I said, "You pop those pills one more time..." and he did. So I took a stethoscope off the wall and I threw two warning blows...into his head.

(ALL)  
He had it coming  
He had it coming  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have heard it  
I betcha you would  
Have dome the same!

(STACY (Spoken))  
I met Gregory House in Baltimore about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink. We'd have dinner. And then I found out, "Single" he told me? Single, my ass. Not only was he seeing someone ...oh, no. He had six hooker "friends". One of those Mormons, you know? So that night, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their **black pepper tea**.

(ALL)  
He had it coming  
He had it coming  
He took a flower  
In its prime  
And then he used it  
And he abused it  
It was a murder  
But not a crime!

(ANNETTE (Spoken))  
Now, I'm standing in the patient room, carvin' up the client for money, minding my own business, and in storms that Dr. House, in a jealous rage. "You been chockin' the stroke man," He says. He was crazy and he kept screamin',  
"you been chockin' the stroke man!" And then he ran into an IV drip carrier.  
He ran into that IV drip carrier ten times!

(ALL)  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same!

(ANICA (Spoken really, really fast))  
I'd just gone off to the race stands. I needed that money, I needed it! I'd just flown in from New York, I knew nobody, and Dr. House seemed nice enough. I'd taken bad pill, he felt angry, I needed to protect myself. So I grabbed my photo of Uncle Sam off the desk…I didn't mean to kill him…

(XANDI (Spoken))  
Yeah, but did you do it?

(ANICA)  
UH UH, not guilty!

(CAMERON)  
My sister, Cindy and I did this double act and my boss, House, used to travel round with us. Now, for the last number in our act, we did these 20 blood acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five...splits, spread eagles, back flips, flips flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the run-through we're down at the café Spiletto, the three of us. Boozin', havin' a few laughs and we ran out of ice, so I go out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Cindy and House doing Number Seventeen: the spread eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later; when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead.

(CAMERON)  
They had it coming  
(GIRLS & CHASE)  
They had it coming  
(CAMERON)  
They had it coming  
(GIRLS & CHASE)  
They had it coming  
(CAMERON)  
They had it coming all along  
(GIRLS & CHASE)  
They had it coming all along  
(CAMERON)  
I didn't do it  
(GIRLS & CHASE)  
She didn't do it  
(CAMERON)  
But if I done it  
(GIRLS & CHASE)   
But if she done it  
(CAMERON)  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

(CAMERON)  
They had it coming  
(GIRLS & CHASE)  
They had it coming  
(CAMERON)  
They had it coming  
(GIRLS & CHASE)  
They had it coming  
(CAMERON)  
They had it coming  
(GIRLS & CHASE)  
They took a flower  
(CAMERON)  
All along  
(GIRLS & CHASE)  
In its prime  
(CAMERON)  
I didn't do it  
(GIRLS & CHASE)  
And then they used it  
(CAMERON)  
But if I'd done it,  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

(CHASE (Spoken))  
I loved Greg'ry House more than I can possibly say. He was a real manipulative guy...sarcastic... a pianist. But he was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself, and on the way he found Paula, Alex, Brenda, and James. I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive, and I saw him dead.

(ALL)  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

(Group 1)  
They had it comin'  
(Group 2)  
They had it comin'  
(Group 1)  
They had it comin'  
(Group 2)  
They had it comin'  
(Group 1)  
They had it comin'  
(Group 2)  
They had it comin'  
(Group 1)  
All along  
(Group 2)  
All along  
(Group 1)  
'Cause if they used us  
(Group 2)  
'Cause if they used us  
(Group 1)  
And they abused us  
(Group 2)  
And they abused us  
(ALL)  
How could you tell us that we were wrong?

(Group 1)  
He had it coming   
(Group 2)  
He had it coming  
(Group 1)  
He only had himself to blame.  
(Group 2)  
He only had himself to blame.  
(Group 1)  
If you'd have been there  
(Group 2)  
If you'd have been there  
(Group 1)  
If you'd have seen it  
(Group 2)  
If you'd have seen it  
(ALL)  
I betcha you would have done the same!

(CUDDY (Spoken))  
You pop those pills one more time!  
(STACY (spoken))  
Single my ass.  
(ANNETTE (Spoken))  
Ten times!  
(ANICA (Spoken))  
Uncle Sam off the desk...  
(CAMERON (Spoken))  
Number seventeen-the spread eagle.  
(CHASE (Spoken))  
Artistic differences.

(CUDDY)  
Pop.  
(STACY)  
Six.  
(ANNETTE)  
Whip.  
(ANICA)  
Uh uh.  
(CAMERON)  
Spiletto.  
(CHASE)

Greg'ry.

(DOOR CLANGS NOISILY)

--

House was still smirking at the TV screen when he turned to Wilson.

"And, you seriously caught them all doing that?"

"Yep. All thanks to your webcam."

"Oh, God, Chase in the dress! That one will not be forgotten for a while."

"We did get them after they'd had a few drinks…"

"Who cares? We got 'em!"


End file.
